


Forever with You

by alex_noelle



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-20 09:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 5,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11917971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alex_noelle/pseuds/alex_noelle
Summary: gay





	1. fluffy butt cheeks

**Author's Note:**

> this is great and gay. gayt. g8t. idk

William walked into his and Even's shared apartment, sobbing. Even was waiting for him at the door, already posed for a kiss - eyes closed, lips puckered like a duck. He must have been standing like this for hours because his lips were chapped and dry. William decided to gather some of his tears on his finger and use them to lubricate Even's lips prior to kissing them.

He wetted Even's lips then leaned in, neck extended like a chicken, to embrace Even's cushion-y lips in his own. They exchanged saliva, tounges intertwining like a figure 8, moans exchanging between mouths. Even reached out his hands to grasp William's fluffy buttcheeks, exhaling deeply into William's opened mouth.

Even only pulled away when he felt the brunette's tears on his own cheeks.

"What's wrong," Even asked the boy in distress.

William sighed. Even always knew the right thing to say. He never said anything generic, he was always wording everything just so William wouldn't be more upset.

"I just got fired. My boss said I looked like a serial killer," William said, his tears pouring down his face and over his flat lips, making his mouth look like a cave behind a waterfall.

"It's okay, babe, I think it's hot." Even was smiling now. "Wanna do the hanky panky?"

"Only if you wear my favorite costume, babe."

Even just winked. "Deal."


	2. sew my pants babe

Even slowly pulled on his sexy panda costume. "You sure you don't want to wear it babe?"

William grinned his serial-killer grin. "Nah babe, I want to wear the party hat."

William began to strip off his pants. He frowned as he began to fold them. The hello kitty patch on his back left pocket was falling off. 

"Evie!!" he said, tears streaming down his face. "My kitty!!!!"

Even turned around, already holding a sewing kit, looking at him like Martha Stewart looks at a poorly frosted cake. "Relax. I got you."

William was sad, though. He wanted his hello kitty pants but he also wanted to top Even wearing a panda costume. "Can you sew while we have sex?" William was whining, the pure true genuine legitimate pain seeping through his voice. 

"Of course, babe," Even said, pulling open the butt zipper and presenting his plump bum for William. "Just don't move too much side to side." 

William, the true Penetrator he was, entered Even gracefully. He immediately orgasmed. 

"Good job babe," Even said, focused on his sewing. 

"Thanks babe," William smiled. 

When Even finished sewing he put the pants back on William and slapped his fluffy buns, appreciating his own job well done. 

"I want lasagna babe," said Even. 

"Make it yourself. I can only ruin hot chocolate," William said, frowning flirtatiously. 

Even licked his lips. "Okay but I'm making vegetarian. I need to save room for some other meat."


	3. time for dinner daddy

When Even finished making the lasagna, they were ready to eat the finished lasagna that was now finished. 

“Yum,” said Even. “I make good lasagna.”

William smiled at Even. “I love your lasagna. I don’t like it with meat, your’s always tastes better.”

Even licked his luscious lips attractively. Even always had plump lips, like little couches for William’s lips to sit and squirm on. When William kissed Even, he always felt as though his lips were restless on Even’s couches, like the TV program of Even’s mouth was so good, so intriguing that his lips couldn’t be still. 

“I love the tomato sauce,” William blurted out. He covered his mouth, embarrassed. It had always been taboo to like tomatoes in Norway.

But Even merely chuckled. “I know,” he said. “I know your past was hard, liking tomatoes and all. I know you’ve repressed it, I know you’re still hurting, but remember, Willy, that’s how we actually met.”

William frowned. He couldn’t remember everything. He had kind of blocked away his past, hiding it, hiding the tomatoes, hiding it all. 

“Remind me babe,” William said, tilting his head like a confused dog.

Even grinned. “It all started three years ago at summer camp. When we first met.”


	4. summer camp

Even’s words spilled out quickly, like a tower of tomatoes falling down in a grocery. But the only tower of tomatoes falling down was in William’s heart, as he felt it break again.

William had been going to summer camp every year since he was a racist little boy scout. He always new he had a taste for tomatoes, but he knew he couldn’t tell anyone. It had never been a problem, though. Until he met Even.

He met Even after exiting the bus from summer camp. He had tripped on Even’s suitcase and broken his leg, so Even came to the hospital to see if William was alright. William was ready to be angry with Even, ready to yell, to scream, to express his anger after years of hiding himself from the real world, but when he saw Even, he knew that Even, too, must love tomatoes. 

When Even began to apologize incessantly, William merely forgave him, holding out his hand to press his sweaty finger against Even’s cushion lips. They both felt the electric shock from touching each other, both so unbelievably attracted to the other that they could hardly keep their dicks from shooting up like the nuclear missiles in the inevitable World War that’s about to come. Their faces flushed red like tomatoes. No one could know what they were feeling. No one could know they both liked tomatoes, that they wanted to eat tomatoes, that they wanted to share tomatoes and eat one another’s tomatoes. This was their secret.

A few hours later, in the dining hall, Even ran into William again. William had a cast around his legs and a sexy set of crutches. The way he walked accentuated his normally-flat buttocks, and Even couldn’t help but marvel at the sight. Even walked up to a waiting-in-line William, eager to learn about the mystery boy with the shattered knee cap and shin bone. 

“Hey,” Even said, holding out the vowel to make it more sexually arousing for William’s penis.

“Hey there,” William said, flirting even harder than Even and noticing Even’s very perky, eager member.

“I heard they’re serving Spaghetti,” Even whispered for only William to hear. “And I love tomatoes.”

William felt the shudder down his spine, his breath hitching. 

“I like my tomatoes plump and ripe,” Even continued. “And I bet you like them too.”

William nods, his bullshit bangs falling in his eyes. 

“I think I can find us some tomatoes,” he said, leaning in closer to Even. They were now facing each other, so close together that they could feel one another’s semi’s against their legs. 

Even merely grinned. “Let’s eat.”


	5. a natural connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> idk mans it is gay and there are some great sentences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this on a bus i hate myself

Even stopped talking. He looked at William, whose face was now red and blotchy like his buns post-intercourse. William was beginning to remember what had happened. The trauma, the pain, the painful trauma, the traumatic pain. All of his feelings were spilling out like tomato sauce from a can of tomato sauce. 

Even walked over to William. “It’s okay, babe,” he whispered into William’s ear. William nodded shakily, his head shaking. He knew it was alright, he knew they were alright.

William had always been a sot of loner. He knew getting too close to people would lead to them finding out his secret, and liking tomatoes was just too taboo in Norway. He kept himself alone. Most people assumed that he was closed off because his sister had died when he was young. That was not the case. William could feel no empathy and therefore did not care about her. It was all about him. Of course, Even was now the exception. William did love Even. Many people said their relationship didn’t make sense, but William knew that it did.

Even was such a kind guy. He always did things for other people. Some people have told William that that is called generosity, but William brushed that off because he’d never heard of it. William didn’t actually have any sort of personality, he was about as interesting as a brick. He bought instruments so that other people would play them for him when they came over, but he had no talent of his own. So why did he and Even work so well? 

Sex.

William brushed away his warm, salty tears. 

“Even,” he mumbled. Even looked up at him, showing William his concerned yet slutty smile. “These tears are not the salty liquid I want in my face right now.”

Even grinned sluttily. “I can help you with that, babe.”

They both bounced on their feel, running to the bedroom. Even pulled the bunny ears out of their sex drawer and threw them to William. William began to strip down to just his underwear, putting on the ears cautiously, as to not mess up his hair. When he was done he saw that Even was not wearing only one thing: a bright pink G-string. William felt himself begin to harden. He loved that G-string. It made Little Even look like he had two plump tomatoes Down There. 

Even looked down at Little William and William looked up from Little Even. 

William smiled. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me willheven.tumblr.com  
> i crave attention i'm so lonely help


	6. big brother is always watching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little nsfw, follow the tomato metaphor - it doesn't fall through so hah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this on a plane and i'm pretty sure the guy behind me was reading it

William was surprisingly shaken by his encounter with Even. He had never met a boy like Even, a boy who liked tomatoes. When Even suggested they eat, William was surprised. It was dinner time, but he knew that Even was referring to eating tomatoes, and William wasn’t sure he was ready to eat tomatoes with someone else, let alone let other people know that he was eating tomatoes. He had always eaten them in the privacy of his own room. He sometimes ate tomatoes in the shower, but the tomatoes always got wet and he would get tomato juice on himself, and he had also always preferred to watch other people eating tomatoes while he did it, but he couldn’t very well watch videos in the shower, lest he want to ruin his phone and let the rest of his family hear.

“Hey, Willy - do you mind if I call you Willy,” Even began, “nah I bet you don’t. If you want to eat tomatoes with my I’m in cabin 6 room 9. I have two tomatoes with me, I’d like for you to get a taste.”

William’s eyes widened. He had never eaten someone else’s tomatoes. He merely nodded, ready for this, ready for Even’s two ripe, juicy tomatoes, ready to put them in his mouth and suck on them and marvel in the sweet yet salty flavor. 

“I— I’ve never eaten someone else’s tomatoes before, what if… what if we get caught? I mean before it was only my life on the line, before I could quickly destroy the evidence, but now, I mean, what about you?” William felt all shaken up. He had never thought like this before, never experienced anything even remotely similar to empathy or any sort of concern for others. It was weird and he didn't like it. He shook his head, trying to clear is thoughts. “Fuck it, I want to eat your tomatoes, I want to eat them now. Let me eat your tomatoes. You can show me how.”

Even smiled at William, his cheeks flushing red like tomatoes. Even’s pupils were dilated. He was ready to let William eat his tomatoes, William could just tell. 

Even gave him a quick nod and began to lead them back to his cabin. William quickly gathered himself and started hobbling back to the cabin, moving as quickly as possible with his wanky leg. 

When they arrived in room 6.9, Even was already pulling out his tomatoes. William felt Little Willy hardening in his tight black skinny jeans. He whooshed his douchey hair out of his face, revealing his pretty, colored eyes to Even. (a.n. I have no fucking clue what color his eyes are and I don’t care to find out). William began to take off his pants - he liked to eat his tomatoes with his pants off, so it would make sense to eat Even’s tomatoes without pants too, right? Little Even began to perk up at the sight of a William with no pants, and William, remembering that he actually had one tomato of his own, pulled it out to reveal it to Even. It wasn’t much to look at — soft, small, a little too lightly colored to be tasteful, somehow both wilted and unripe, but Even clearly believed that it was the most beautiful tomato he had ever seen. William got down on his knees and began to eat Even’s tomatoes. Even enjoyed the experience, to say the least. He moaned William’s name as William ate his tomatoes, and Even begged William to eat them faster so Even could eat William’s tomato. But William took his time, occasionally turning his attention to Little Even. This delighted both Even and Little Even. 

When they were done eating each other’s respective tomatoes, they had made a mess of juices all over the floor. But, as nice as the experience was, they had no idea what was about to come. As William got dressed, he noticed that Even’s door had been open when they were eating each other’s tomatoes. A shudder passed through his spine, but the real fear didn’t consume him until he directed his eyes to what lie outside of the door. A small, black camera with a blinking light, indicating not only that it was on but that it had recorded everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't shipshame kiddos also read my fic smh


	7. true love, bound not by a ring but by a tomato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> juicy juicy motherfucker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly something great is about to happen to our otp

“Hey Willy,” Even sung, calling to the love of his life from the kitchen. “I feel like our apartment needs more decorations, don’t you? Or like maybe more dishes or furniture or things that make it look like humans live here, not serial killers. Just a thought.”

“Sure, we can buy some stuff, I’ve got a rich ass dad, I’ll just call him and threaten to kill him if he doesn't give me money. That usually works on him. I used to be able to threaten to strangle my sister, but that stopped working after she died. What a selfish move. But don’t like get a tea pot, I fucking hate tea.”

Even nodded. “This’ll be awesome, we can be like a real married couple, with furniture and decorations. Maybe more than one pot?”

William smiled. He walked over to Even and gave him a peck on the cheek. He then proceeded to squeeze Even’s ass cheek which made Even get an instant boner and he ejaculated all over his pants. They began kissing in the kitchen and William moved from kissing Even’s lips to his ears to the back of his neck. William liked to call the back of Even’s neck “Carl,” because William used to have a cat named Carl and Carl turned him on the way the back of Even’s neck does. 

“Oh, Carl,” William moaned into Even’s neck, kissing it passionately. Even’s breath hitched and the sound alone made William have a sensual orgasmic experience. 

Even spun around and he and William started kissing again. Even moved his arms to hold a tomato that was sitting on the counter, but it wasn’t good enough. He repositioned them so that William sat on the counter, then reached to squeeze a different tomato. William moaned as Even kissed him harder, the tomato-grabbing arousing them both. William pulled back a little. 

“Hey Even,” he said, panting because he was a weak skinny white boy and sex exhausted him faster than piece of paper falls in a vacuum. 

“Yeah,” Even said, perfectly collected.

“Will you marry me?” William held his breath even though he was out of it. 

Even merely smiled. “Absofruitly babe-cakes.” 

William smiled at this, then grabbed a large ripened tomato from the counter and shoved it onto the ring finger of Even’s left hand. “Well then, consider yourself engaged.”

The juices coating Even’s hand were too tasty not to lick up, so William cleaned Even’s hand with his tongue, like a lion cleaning her cubs. Except they were both lions. And that night, their roars were particularly disturbing to the neighbors. But they didn’t care. They were wild, they were engaged, they were in heaven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i told u, something great happened


	8. the lady with the baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is where the warnings come in fam squad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the baby isn't really a baby fam squad

William’s heart started pounding in his head. It was pounding harder than Little William had been earlier when tomato-ing with Even. He darted back into Even’s room. 

“Even — camera — outside — they saw — they know — tomatoes.”

Even’s eyes widened in fear. William started crying. How could they possibly come up from this one? And then he saw the reflection of what Even was seeing in Even’s gorgeous blue eye balls (William’s second favorite pair of balls on Even’s body). There was a woman standing in their door, machine gun in hand. 

“Summer camp is no place for boys to share tomatoes,” she said, cocking her rifle. She held it up and William saw the red laser dot thing on Even’s forehead. “It’s time for you to die, boys.” She gave them an evil smile, baring her teeth. 

William lost any sense of self. He was running on auto-pilot, his adrenaline fueling him to do what he did next. What he did next was kind of stupid. Next, he tackled the lady, knocking her gun out of her hand. It fired. That bitch didn’t turn the safety on. Whatever. The blood oozing from his broken leg didn't phase him. He picked up the gun and started bashing her skull in with the back end. Even stood behind him cheering gayly. 

The woman fell unconscious first, but William didn’t stop. He kept hitting with the gun’s butt, harder and harder, thrusting it onto her head and trying to break her skull. But William’s weak arms and upper body and lower body left him incapable of breaking her skull, so he spun around the gun and tried to shoot her. He couldn’t figure out how to use it though. It was all complicated with weird levers, nothing like his nerf guns. He turned to Even who did a little motion to explain to him how to shoot, and he did it, the sound ringing loudly in the cabin. William winced, but he smiled at his work. His favorite red sauce was tomato sauce, but this was nearly as good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the baby was the gun squad fam


	9. plump, juicy, and ripe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mainly fluff, plus a few tomatoes. plot twist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for last chapter's violence. though there's probably more to come. their backstory is pretty intense. it didn't have to be but i was like lol why not i have nothing better to do fam squad

In about a day, the tomato around Even’s finger had effectively begun rotting off of his hand. He took the wilted thing and put it in a plastic bag which they then nailed to the wall. They proceeded to have sex facing it, like it was mistletoe on Christmas and they were really horny for Santa.

William and Even both picked out their outfits for the wedding. They wanted to elope in Vegas because they both had pretty severe gambling addictions and also William didn’t have a job because he was a murderer who looked dangerous so they couldn’t afford a destination wedding. 

Every morning, Even would wake William up by bringing him a latte with his name written in the foam. If the latte didn’t taste good, he would tell even to turn around and he would pour it on Little William as a sort of lubricative substance, then stick it in Even, gradually pouring out more coffee to allow for smoother exit and reentry. 

After they were done doing the hanky panky, William turned Even around and kissed his chapped lips, which were shaped sort of like a swollen butt hole. He began singing:  
I love you  
You love me  
We’re a happy family  
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.  
Won't you say you love me too

Even started crying into his hands. Barney had always hit a soft spot in Even’s heart. Even tilted his head up to let William woefully lick away his tears and Even started to laugh because it tickled. 

“Even,” William said, concern oozing from his voice. “Before we get married, there’s something I want to do.”

Even narrowed his eyebrows in intense concern. “What is it sugar-plum-squash tomato-boy?”

“I want to have a four way with Pr!nce and Obama…” William opened his eyes wide, like a raccoon who was intending to eat someone’s garbage.

“Well, that might be difficult. I have Obama’s email so I can swing that, but as far as Pr!nce goes…”

“I’ve got Pr!nce covered fam squad!” William’s excitement shot out of his eyes, casting red laser beams onto the wall. Even found it hot so he kissed William directly on his shockingly small left nipple. 

“What do you want for dinner, squishy-buns?” Even smiled at William, his lips becoming slightly inflamed because he was allergic to William’s saliva. 

“I’d like to eat your tomatoes?”

“And how would you like them served?” Even’s voice was now sultry and it gave William a semi (approximately the size of a pencil sharpener).

“Plump, juicy, and ripe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave comments if u have any wedding plan opinions or plot requests i've literally planned none of this, nor do i care which direction it goes.


	10. super bitchin idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tomatoes, robots, obama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so much to do so much to see so what's wrong with takin' the back streets

William’s entire body was shaking. He had just shot a woman. An actual human woman was dead on the floor of Even’s cabin. Even leaned down to put his hands on Williams shoulders in an attempt to comfort the murderer. Then Even started sniffing like a curious squirrel.

“Wh-what is it,” William asked, his voice shaky and pathetic. 

‘“I- it- it just. It doesn’t smell like blood, that’s all.” William narrowed his poorly shaped eyebrows. Even was right. If anything, the scent of tomatoes had significantly grown in the room. William leaned down and started liking the lady’s bludgeoned face. Her blood was tomato sauce. William was immediately turned on, but he was too determined to find out what was going on to do anything but pull her pale skin from her skull. He tried to rip it off but he had weak hands so Even picked William up from under his arms and set him aside, then began peeling the skin from the lady’s head like it was nothing. It was like watching Even take the skin off a tomato and it made Little Willy super hard (but no less tiny). Underneath the woman’s skin there was a robotic head and little engineered blood vessels filled with tomato sauce. Even scooped some up out of one of the broken tubes with his finger.   
“Nice touch,” He exclaimed, smacking his butt lips together. 

The woman had security cameras for eyes, but thankfully William could not be arrested because he had not actually murdered this lady. Even took the hammer that he kept with him at all times and slammed the head into each of her eyes, effectively breaking the cameras. He then stood up and put the gun in his duffel. 

“Come on, William,” he said, eyes stern and powerful. “We need to get out of here. Fast.”

It was in that moment that William’s phone started ringing. William and Even both made eye contact with their eyes which were frightened-looking. William pulled it out. 

“Anonymous number. Should I answer it?”

Even nodded his head. “You should always answer the phone. It’s intriguing. Plus, it could be someone cool like Obama.”

William snorted like the pig he was. He pressed the button at the bottom of his garbage Google phone to answer the call. “Hello?”

“Hello, William, this is President Barak Obama.”

William looked at Even, eyes widening. It’s Obama, he mouthed. 

“William, it’s come to my attention that a bitch ass robot tried to shoot you for liking tomatoes. My squad at the white house was just like hashtag wondering if you wanted to chill with us for a little while while we take care of the.. tomato phobia problem. I mean we would technically make you model G-strings for men that had famous people’s faces where your penis goes but like that’s really the only catch. How does that sound, fam?”

William’s jaw dropped open. Modeling underwear for Obama? Even though people would see his tiny left nipple and he’s shockingly small penis and his lack of a second testicle and just the general repulsiveness of his entire body, he was totally checking psyched. 

“What would Even do?” William suddenly remembered that he wasn't the only person in the entire fucking world and decided to care about another person for the first time ever. 

“Oh, Even will be running a charity organization to support other young boys who like tomatoes. We figured he might actually have empathy and be useful so we’re giving him a real job.”

William didn’t know what empathy was so he stopped listening. “Mmhm,” he said nonchalantly into the phone’s microphone. 

“Alright fam squad,” Obama began, irritation oozing from his voice and going directly above William’s head, “I’ll meet you outside your summer camp in Air Force One in a tight fifteen. Sound chill, dude?”

“Sounds bitchin’.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you never know if you don't go
> 
> you never shine if you don't glow


	11. evidence based oPANions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blah blah blah i wrote this too late in the day i am dyign

William held his phone up to his ear, pacing, waiting for Pr!nce to answer. It rung once. He exhaled shakily. It rung twice. Again, he exhaled shakily. It rung a third time. This time he did not exhale shakily. Instead of exhaling shakily, he vomited onto the floor. Then Pr!nce picked up the phone. 

“Hello?” Pr!nce asked in his deep, sultry voice. 

“Hey, Pr!nce, it’s Willy, Ev and I were wondering if u wanted to have a four way with me and Obama. Obama’s on his way over right now if you’re interested.”

“I’ll be over in a tight 15. Send me your location, sexy.”

Even looked up expectantly at William. William merely nodded and smiled, implying that Pr!nce was coming to fuck them. 

 

A few hours later, after their sex session with the king of music and the king of America, William and Even decided to turn on the Weather Channel and see who could jerk off faster to the reports of rain. Even, of course, had the easier time because he was pansexual and therefore found the weather forecaster, a woman, more sexually attractive and faceable than William did. 

“It’s my Evidence Based Opinion that you have a clear advantage to this game. The evidence being that your pansexual,” William said nonchalantly, still vigorously rubbing his small limp external genital. 

Even had a full on erection and his glorious penis was positively luminous in the poorly decorated room. “It’s my Evidence Based OPANion that you’re being a sore loser,” Even said, grinning and moaning simultaneously because the weather forecaster just said the word umbrella and Even really liked three syllable words. It was secretly one of the reasons he liked William so much. 

William let out a laugh that sounded scarily close to a hawk getting strangled to death. His limp fella was a symbolic representation of his inability to do anything even remotely well. 

“Hey Even,” William said softly. His voice was almost as soft as his penis.

“Yeah, Willy?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	12. shake that salt hun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i love cats i love every kind of cat i just wanna hug all them but i cant (cant hug every cat)

Obama’s house was pretty cool in William’s opinion. He didn’t like all the other people there, and he didn’t know why there were so many security guards, but he was super dumb so he figured that there was probably an explanation, not that he cared enough to hear what it was. 

Everyone kept calling Obama “Mr. President,” which confused William, because he didn’t know what a president was. He assumed it was something that was damaged or dented, so he got a little offended on Obama’s behalf, because Obama did not look dented at all.

William made an excellent G-string model, but when he was modeling, he also heard a lot of gossip going around. Turns out, there was a lot of arguing in the Obama’s cool house. There were people in suits bickering about this and that and they would all personally attack each other even though it was a matter of opinions, which sort of bothered William, because it made both parties angrier, and then nobody could reach an understanding. He decided he’d have to talk to Even about that one later. 

“Did you hear what John said at the press meeting the other day?” some guy in a really fucking expensive suit said in a hushed tone, loud enough for everyone to hear but in a tone suggesting that he wanted to be secretive. William had actually noticed a lot of this: a guy would say something loud enough to reach (and consequently offend) the people whom he was seemingly trying to hide it from. Then, the party he was attacking would get irrationally angry and defensive, and the first guy would blame the second guy from joining the discussion, even though the first guy was obviously trying to create drama. And of course, everyone involved, at one point or another, would say that they “didn’t want to cause drama” even though they did. William didn’t understand people at all, but he definitely could see what bullshit was going on. 

The people kept bickering in the background, talking about validity of opinions, ignoring anything near a compromise, attacking specific people and amplifying the arguments. William didn’t get it. He missed Even’s penis which never argued with him.


	13. suits and butts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> department store sex. appreciate me

William held Even’s hand as he walked through the suit store looking for the perfect suit to wear for his wedding suit. He let out a weak sigh. William knew that Even would look better than he ever could, and William had never put any effort into anything before, so why now. 

Even showed William several options, but William continued texting people who had never responded in years because they despised him because he was an asshole. He sometimes liked to type in random numbers with his area code to try to make friends, but they usually responded telling him to “fuck off.” One time, he tried texting an Australian, because he thought that they might be nicer, but they still just responded “bugger off you stupid bloke!”

William looked at another plain black suit and let out another weaker sigh. He gave Even his puppy-eyed look, but it looked more like someone had pulled back William’s eyelids and made his face even less physically attractive than before. 

“I want a red suit,” he whined like a pathetic bird being bludgeoned to death. “I want a suit the color of tomatoes. I’m marrying you to represent my love for your tomatoes. Shouldn’t my suit reflect that love too?”

Even gave him a cheeky smile with his swollen butt lips. He walked over to kiss William, surrounding William’s gross thin lips within the butt cheeks that were his own. When they pulled away, William had successfully writhed his tongue from between his own two lips and liked both of Even’s so hungrily that both of there pairs of lips were dripping with William’s potent saliva.

Even licked his lips to take in the remnants of his sexy brunette lover. He then walked back over to William, grabbed a suit off the hanger, and pulled them both into a dressing room. 

“Turn around,” Even breathed out loudly, already pulling off his own clothes. 

It was only then that William saw what Even had grabbed. It was not a suit at all. It was a slutty maid costume. In William’s size. Why that was there made no sense but it doesn’t have to because nothing about the story of William’s life ever did, nor did it need to. The hot, sweaty sex was enough to distract him from the abnormalities of his life. 

William undressed himself and put on the costume, thanking the gods that it was a skirt. His small penis, single testicle, and bare raw ass were all exposed to the elements — Even’s elements. Even inserted his godly penis into William’s pathetically flat butt. William let out a moan that sounded like that of a door opening really slowly, a sound that would make anyone wish that they couldn’t hear at that frequency. Even found it enticing, though, and began dirty talking William. 

“If you don’t scrub the bathroom and clean the kitchen, they’ll be so dirty. Dirty dirty dirty.” Even knew lots of dirty things to say. “You’re my maid but my house is so dirty. It’s filthy. You’re so bad at keeping things from being dirty. I should fire you”

It was only then that Even realized his crucial mistake — William had just been fired. William let out a massive sob and instead of ejaculating he covered the floor in a monsoon of his own tears. He cried so hard that the building began to flood with water and they were asked to leave. At least they got to keep the maid costume, though.


	14. p-p-p-prison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a PLOT chapter wth alexa whatre u doing I AM SETTING UP FOR HUMOUR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know nothing about law and i honestly couldnt care

About a week in, Obama asked William and Even to leave. Well, he actually just asked William, but Even was pretty intent on staying with him. Obama said that William was intolerable and stupid, but he gave Even his phone number, saying that he (and his rad lil pickle) were “always available if Even ever dumped William.” Okay, so maybe he called William “an emotionless brunette whose value was less than that of a massive pile of shit,” but William wasn’t to keen on that description. 

William and Even decided to lease an apartment together, and everything was fine and dandy for about a week until one night. 

William walked down to the bowling alley late at night to bowl with himself, the friendless asshole that he was. He was getting gutter balls pretty consistently, so he decided to ask one of the people working there to put up the bumpers. However, when the employee gave him a kind smile as she put up the gutters for him, William got irrationally angry and began to strangle her. When she called the cops, William was frisked and they found a gun on him. The assault rifle from the robot lady. Even had let William keep it because William was so sad that Obama didn’t like him. 

The police confiscated the weapon, laughing at him, saying such a weak statured guy like himself wouldn’t even be able to support the weight of a gun like that. They then said that his bangs looked like garbage and they just added to the whole serial killer vibe. 

William was thrown into a holding cell for the time being. He was given a court date for two days from then.

When William arrived at court, he was questioned by the judge as to why he had the gun. William didn’t bother getting a lawyer because he was both guilty and a total fucking dumbass, so he merely said that he took it from a robot lady that he beat to death. Not knowing what to do with that information, the judge further questioned William. 

“What do you mean, robot lady?”

“Okay, so I was at a summer camp and they actually had supervisor robots and this one came in to shoot me and my boyfriend because we were having gay sex and then I beat her to death with her gun.”

The judge nodded in understanding. “It’s still illegal to have possession of an assault rifle without a license, so I’m just going to give you a three month sentence. Here, purchase of a handgun without safety certificate is technically punishable by up to six months in jail and/or a fine of up to $1,000, but you’re evidently broke, or you just really can’t dress yourself and refuse to go to a hairdresser, and I also don’t think you’re brave or strong enough to be any threat. Also, you seem like an asshole and I wouldn’t want your fellow inmates to have to deal with you. You make me pity criminals.”

William gave her a smile, completely unaware that he’d just been insulted. William was ugly and stupid. What a wonderful combination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did look up sentences for guns in cali tho (not that thats where they live, it was just the first one listed and i'm lazy) so there is one accurate line and the rest is me skirting around it so shut up this is a crack fic

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is willheven. follow me


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